Do not watch Cheerleader Massacre unless you want a very poor softcore porn or something hilariously bad. Eric Martin of Guts & Grog was unfortunate enough to pick this film for his Halloween Fifteen post; he made the best of it, watching it naked with friends.
Massacre movies have become a staple in horror cinema. I am not talking about classics like “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.” I am talking about the movement that was born in the late seventies, early eighties with titles like “Mardi Gras Massacre,” “Slumber Party Massacre,” and “Sorority House Massacre.” They usually consist of a pretty basic plot, tons of half naked to all the way naked woman, and a killer that kills with a basic ass weapon. Some kind of revenge is usually involved as well. These are the kind of movies you would see on “USA Up All Night” or on Cinemax. These are the two main places these movies hit my radar, about as hard as my knuckle children hit the TV while squinting to see through the lines on the scrambled channel. Well, after a bit of a break with they came back in the early part of this century. Most are shot on digital video crap, but some manged to while still being that, be pretty goddamn entertaining. “Cheerleader Massacre” is one of these.
Jim Wynorski makes no secret on the selling points of this movie. The opening credits are all of the girls in the movie in flash forwards of their nude scenes. You don’t even have to wait to find out which ones get the naked(all of them). Even after the credits we instantly get more titties. One of the most important sets in these films, the girls locker room is the setting. This is a bit of a homage to “Slumber Party Massacre” I am guessing. A similar scene in that film is where it all started for Brinke Stevens, who has a small role in this as Linda which also happens to be her character in that. Coincidence?
The very basic idea of this is that some cheerleaders miss their bus so a perverted old dude takes them and their teacher along with a couple of random stoners to the meeting point. Well, the problem is a patient from a psych ward has escaped and is covering girls in red cake icing while he pretends to stab them. Their van breaks down in the snow so they walk to the first house they find. No one is home so they just start eating their food, drinking their booze, fucking on their bed, and telling awesome realistic stories about girls that may be encountering a murderer, but are not interested because they found a bath big enough for all three of them to bathe and cover each other in chocolate sauce and lick it off. Shit gets real when they hear some gunshots so they take a break from the sex, and the teacher interrupts the longest shower(with close ups) in history to check it out. Some people get killed and some girls scream. They then tie it all up with a lazy ending.
“Cheerleader Massacre” is what it is. You know what you are getting. It was not made to change cinema, it was made to change the size of your penis. There are some fun kills, some decent jokes, some bad acting that is severely enjoyable and there is plenty of nudity(in case I hadn’t made that clear). I will always love the massacre movies. During one of my epic fifty day horror marathons we did a naked massacre night where we all got naked and watched this along with the other aforementioned massacre films. Life imitating art I tell you, minus the killing of course. I actually liked the people that were over.
What I am trying to say is that good is not the question here. There are plenty of movies I can watch if I want to experience certain levels of art. There is also times I just want to kill seventy five minutes and why not do it enjoyably with my two favorite B’s? Boobs and blood. I salute Mr Wynorski for knowing what we want to see on the screen, and giving it to us in spades.
The Moon is a Dead World’s Take
The following is a transcript from an actual brainstorming session where the terrible idea of Cheerleader Massacre was birthed. It may or may not be embellished by the notator.
Dude: Ah, Bro, I’ve got a great idea for our next film!
Bro: Dude, what is it?
Dude: I think you’ll love it. I was smoking pot one night and it just came to me, from, like, divine inspiration or the Muses or something.
Bro: I also think best when smoking pot.
Dude: I know, right! Well anyway, what do we love most?
Bro: You mean besides drugs, right?
Dude: Yeah totally. I mean those are definitely number one.
Bro: I like boobies.
Dude: RIGHT!? Me too! And what do boobies go well in?
Bro: My face?
Dude: I guess there’s more than one answer for that question. Shouldn’t have asked you to read my mind. What I’m talking about is horror movies!
Bro: Dude, horror movies are the best! Like, fucking Saw and shit… right?
Dude: Are there any other movies better than Saw 3D? Fucking A no! But since that’s been done a lot lately, I was thinking something else. Something where we could get lots of girls together.
Bro: You mean like a slumber party massacre?
Dude: Too overdone – I’m thinking something in the woods. Some place where these girls can get naked.
Bro: Don’t girls get naked everywhere?
Dude: Yeah, but this will set the scene.
Bro: Gotcha. But we don’t know any girls.
Dude: A trip to the local Hooters might do. Or some low-budget porn stars might be interested. Either way, we just need girls that we can film if we pay them money! And they’ve gotta have big boobs.
Bro: What else will we do in this film, besides kill off these girls?
Dude: That’s the best part; we don’t even have to do ANYTHING!
Bro: You mean, no plot?
Dude: It doesn’t even have to make sense! The only other ingredient we need is a nonsensical twist ending.
Bro: That’s easy!
Dude: I know, right? We’ll make millions!
Bro: What if people don’t like seeing boobs and bad special effects, including camera shots where the audience can see absolutely nothing? [this was added by notator]
Dude: Who doesn’t like that stuff?
Bro and Dude proceeded to make Cheerleader Massacre, which led to exactly eight people being satisfied with its existence – the people who worked on the film. Everyone else on Netflix became angry, and then subsequently hated the film because it landed star Charity Rahmer a short role on Days of Our Lives.
I would just like to apologize to Eric Martin for making him watch this garbage for Halloween Fifteen.