Have Yourself a Bloody Little Christmas (2012 Version): Frosty Returns... from the Grave

(A Frank Browning production!)

I was watching Frosty Returns the other day, a seasonal classic that I rarely miss except on the occasions when I forget to DVR it. The original Frosty is still numero uno for holiday watching - it's definitely aging poorly, and the pandering to younger audiences ostracizes adults from watching as opposed to the more family-friendly specials like Shrek the Halls or Arthur Christmas - but I've always enjoyed Frosty Returns because it's so totally different from its predecessor. It's also got Mark Mothersbaugh's iconic music that reminds me of my days watching Rugrats.

In Frosty Returns, the main plot conflict presented isn't the stealing of Frosty's magical hat - in fact, it seems Frosty no longer needs that hat to come to life. Instead, an evil man, voiced by the gruff-throated Brian Doyle-Murray, wants to eliminate the whole winter season with his magical can of snow-be-gone called Summer Wheeze.

There's a whole lot of snow-spraying in the show, and it puts Frosty in danger because, well, he's a snowman and no snow equals a dead snowman. So Frosty and his friend Holly go around trying to work up some magic of their own, by getting the residents of the town to understand how important snow is to their winter festivities. Apparently no one has realized that Summer Wheeze can't change the climate altogether, but who cares, kids won't recognize that!

At one point, Frosty gets sprayed by some Summer Wheeze, and a hole forms in his stomach as though he just got gutshot by a gigantic shotgun. "Whoa," I said in delight (perhaps the first time in a while I've been thoroughly shocked by watching Frosty Returns), "that would make an awesome horror movie!" And so I set about writing up this post, because it's Christmas and we're all in misery and I want to share my stupid ideas with you in case you find the reason to run with it - then I'll be looking for some royalties, thank you very much.

Wouldn't it be great if a live-action version of Frosty Returns existed? Frosty would be the protagonist, living his normal life in Alaska or the North Pole with his little baby snowgirl and his wife (not an ice queen, I might add) in a town full of snowpeople who want nothing more than to live their lives cold and wet and snowy. And then, some terrible people (we could call them environmental terrorists, you know, making this a film rife with political commentary) come in and threaten to turn Alaska into a lush, green landscape where they can begin to dig for oil without having to worry about frostbite or the cold! These people would obviously be from Afghanistan or Iran or Iraq or some other terrible country where all the people care about is destruction (definitely not from America, because that would be unrealistic, of course).

A rebellion would ensue, a la Terminator, where the snowmen rise up to revolt against their dominating invaders. Snowmen would be lost; Summer Wheeze is brutal, and families would see their relatives melt away as the evil Summer Wheeze spread from head to toe and eliminated all the snow. Snow huts would be melted, torched with flamethrowers, or simply bulldozed. One man (we'll name him John Goodman Connor in tribute) would stand up against the oppressors using iceballs and flying icicles. He would infiltrate ranks dressed as a normal civilian (please put on your suspension-of-disbelief caps) and take down the terrorists by stealth.

Wouldn't this make a great holiday blockbuster? With lots of snowgore, the snow runs blue with the blood of snowmen. Da-duh duh da-dum (onomatopoeic Terminator theme)!