I wrote a review of Monster Dog over at Horrornews.net. Normally I don't revisit those films for this website, if only because we don't need duplicate reviews cluttering up the Internet. But this was too good to pass up, and after the fun I had with the dance scene in Prom Night, I thought it was time to revisit a segment where we take things just a bit too seriously. It's something that reminds me of when my dad asks me what kind of cereal I want, and reads off the names completely: "Do you want Crunchy Chocolate-Covered Balls or Sugar-Blasted Rice Puffs?"
If you're not familiar with Monster Dog (which, if you're in your right mind, you shouldn't be since it's a pretty bad movie), the film is a 1984 Spanish werewolf flick starring Alice Cooper as the main character, a rocker who sets out to film a music video in his family's mansion with his film crew. There are a few different music videos in the movie, including the one that they want to film in the middle of the movie and then a montage/reprise of sorts at the end, but the one that I'll focus on for this post is the opening video, which is the most egregious. Thankfully, some nice young gent uploaded the video to YouTube for me, saving me the troubles of having to rip this wonderful piece of cinema and post it myself.
We open with bumping bass and some hi-hat hits akin to the Monster Mash, and a sweet coupe with "Vincent Raven" plastered on its license plate. Perhaps this is an ode of sorts - to Vincent Price and Edgar Allan Poe? With the literary merits of this song, titled "Identity Crises", the allusions don't surprise me. Vince Raven, dressed in suit bow tie, is joined by two lovely ladies, their hair resembling that of a cat who's just gone through a car wash. He lights their cigarettes, both on fancy cigarette holders, as the guitar kicks in, each staccato beat pulsating with a flash of Vince Raven's baby - the car, I mean, not the two women.
Vince begins to elaborate on what he means by identity crises: sometimes he's James Bond, he says as he pulls out a gun and shoots us with it. I grab my heart - the man has stolen it. A cartoonish bullet ricochet plays overtop of the music - and then Vince magically changes into Billy the Kidd, dressed in cowboy garb and throwing a thick cigar at us.
He's Sherlock Holmes, now he's Jack the Ripper AKA Van Helsing! This man is out of control - he's everyone at once. All the ladies can do is shimmy beside him, looking longingly and handing him various props. Perhaps his image is only bolstered by these gold-digging hussies! They also give stares as Vince is "shooting bad dudes" - this man is something else, and all we can do is watch as Vince transforms.
Apparently Vince also looks for clues in women's garments - most of the crimes he works on are part of the SVU, since bras are key evidence. The flashes of Vince's cars, seizure-like in nature, make me think that perhaps Vince is also a Transformer - not Optimus Prime, of course, but one of his group.
Rinse and repeat, and what do you have yourself? A self-less attempt at trying to uncover just how many personalities Vince Raven. Judging from the video, exactly 0.