I used to have a corn maze in my village, one that connected the elementary school to the high school. When I was in elementary school, I used to wonder what it was like to run through all of that corn without knowing what else was waiting for you in the maze. Perhaps it was the imagination of a child who spent too much time at pumpkin patches in haunted corn.
When I got to high school, I had soccer practice at the elementary school, so I would have to walk through the maze every single day with my cleats on, tired from school but forced to keep going if I wanted to play in the games. Everyone walked through that corn field, because it was the easiest way to get from Point A to Point B.
With the amount of people in there after school, and having to walk through that field every single day, the corn field soon lost its magic. I realized that there was nothing in there besides a bunch of crows, some dying corn, and maybe a field mouse or two. The illusion of a fantastical place slowly disappeared.
That's kind of what happens during The Maze, although there really was no illusion that the film was going to be good to begin with besides the cover art that steals from Children of the Corn. Instead of a traditional review, I've opted to go for a "let's-not-talk-about-it" approach; rather than discuss just how terrible The Maze is, let me imply it by listing the things I did while watching the movie.
Picked my nose
Pet my cat
Clipped my nails
Was forced to watch Vine videos by my girlfriend
Drank a Waterfront Brewing Co. Autumn Ale and looked up what others thought of it
Watched my other cat catch a bug
Put batteries in my mouse
Browsed Tumblr for nudie pics
Tried to think of worse movies that I've seen
Asked others what terrible movies they've seen
Thought about eating pizza, then decided not to eat pizza because it'll undo all of the work I've put in at the gym
Wrote this list
Those are some pretty mundane tasks, but all of them were better than sitting through the 90 minutes of awfulness that is The Maze. A very brief synopsis:
Stupid people go in corn. Only one comes out. They traipse about for half the movie pursued by a spooky man in a red hoodie. Final girl makes it to police station. Killer is police. Cue moue of terror.
|More raw emotion. More metaphor.|
Take another look at the list I made, and then think to yourself: "Do I really want to resort to that while watching a movie?" That will be your schedule of events if you watch The Maze. Just... think about it.